The Deep Ends

Written By: Ben

"I want to see mountains again Gandalf, Mountains!..."

I will get back to this quote in a bit, but I wanted to start off with not only a great quote, but a quote from one of my all time favorite movies. Anyways I am going to get right to the meat and potatoes of this post, and don't worry it will include an update on my health. 

A story as always to hopefully express some of my feelings. When I was around six years old we had a hot tub that sat in the backyard around the corner from the downstairs back door. One night after my Pops and I had sat in it for a bit, it was time to go inside. Normally I would get out first and Dad would close up the hot tub, but on this night that was not the case. The cover that went over the hot tub was a heavy brown insulated cover. It slid over half of the tub and then unfolded to cover the other half. On this night Dad slid the first half on and then hopped out to grab our towels whilst I stayed in the warmth of the tub. Well in my young mind I thought I would help Dad by closing the cover on the hot tub, but I was too weak to get out and do it from the outside of the hot tub. So as you can guess I waded to the other half of the hot tub in an attempt to help. Now I need to clarify something, the way this particular hot tub was designed was similar to many others in the fact that it had a significantly deeper portion in the center (truthfully only about three and a half feet deep). As I walked on the shallow outside edges I slipped into the deep middle portion and partially under the already covered half of the tub. Being startled I gulp in a substantial amount of hot water and started to panic.  As I floundered and continued to swallow water I became all the more terrified. Before I knew it I was drowning in the backyard. After what felt like eternities to my tiny self; my Father pushed off the rest of the cover and plucked me out of the evil clutches of the hot tub deep end. 

A few things about this story, one is that truthfully I was only drowning for maybe twenty seconds, and second was that my Father was never that far away.

I am gonna start with the second point, because it flows better in my mind. Truth be told my Dad may not even remember this happening or if he does, he may remember it completely differently. Even if that is the case my point still stands, on that day and many days since then my sweet Father has saved me from more "deep ends" than I can count or dare to admit. 

Now to my twenty seconds of drowning. I don't know how long or short the actual period of time was, but it still serves my purposes. 

This last week has been in all reality, brutal. It has been a very difficult week. I received an infusion that I reacted adversely to; and I have been in a state both emotionally and physically that my family and friends refer to as a "funk". I am sure many of you have felt in one way or another similar to how I have felt this week... Like I was drowning. 

I usually try to be very happy go lucky and positive on this blog and in life, but this post is going to be a little more vulnerable and raw. I like to think I am a positive and cheerful guy probably an abnormally abundant amount of the time, but I also have rare stretches where that is not the case. This last week was one of them, indeed I was drowning heart, body, and soul. Although a lot of people attempt to try and get me out of these funks, most of the time I have to pull myself out or at least it feels that way. 

This last week I was missing home, family, the mountains, a front porch, my motorcycle, my jobs, school, good health, my nice body, in essence "my old life". I don't like to say it often, but I miss being "normal", (even though lets face it, I was never normal). I doubt I can explain it or even describe a semblance of how it feels, but I watch what I thought was supposed to be my life with an envy and jealousy that at times burns more fiercely than any fire can. (Now I want it to be known, and have tried to make it known, that I wouldn't change a thing, but that doesn't alter how I feel sometimes and in truth it is not what I wish to focus on in this post). I always do my best to act tough and put my best foot forward, to "drown smiling" for lack of a better term. I don't like admitting these things out loud, but I feel it is important for others to know what it is truly like, not just all the smiles and good times. Some days it is all I can do to cling to hope and pray for a better world; (Ether 12:4 [Book of Mormon]) just hoping that one even exists for me at the end of all of this. Now I know there is one for me, but even sometimes what we know can be clouded by the stresses and fears of a difficult moment. Indeed there are nights where we wonder if the dawn will ever come, and sooner or later, it always does. In fact I promise that it does, I have been pushed past my breaking point more times than I can count in my life, and especially so in these last few years. Even with everything I'm going through, I live a blessed life that is filled with so many amazing miracles, I can scarce take it in. Indeed my Father in Heaven has never been far from me. 

 Be prepared to be bombarded with pictures of said mountains that I miss so dearly.

 I know everyone says that the Autumn back here in Ohio is stunning, but there will always be a place in my heart for the "mountains of fire" that happen during my favorite time of year. Also this is Wanderer (front) and Traveler (back). Mom is not a fan, but it is something my Pops and I love to do. Riding a motorcycle brings a sense of freedom that is difficult to describe, but astounding to experience (especially when it is on small country roads in the mountains). 

 I have taken many people to both of these waterfalls, and have been to each a ridiculous amount of times, but every time I go back I feel just a little closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior. I don't think I will ever be able to thank them enough for the beautiful and sacred places on this earth.

 I just can't get over how beautiful this world is.

 Zion's National Park in the snow is a sight to behold that I wish people could see more often. The white and red make for an unforgettable sight.

 To end this blog post I wanted to put up a more ridiculous picture. I was attempting to make fun of my little sister who loves to pose for a good "Instagram worthy" pic. Plus I figure after a semi serious blog post it would be good to wrap up with a picture of me just being my nerdy, goof ball self.