A Shovel, Sunsets, and One Year Down

Written By Ben:

Okay folks I know you have heard this a lot, but man oh man do I need to write in this blog more often. So seeing as today marks one year of me being here in Ohio I am going to set some "New Year" resolutions. Now hopefully this works better than the majority of New Years Resolutions that seemingly disappear after about three weeks of trying. Starting this week, I am going to try and write in this blog once a week... Oh man just typing that out makes me doubt myself. As I always say,  I am going to try and keep this post relatively short. I am going to apologize in advance, I have included pictures from the last several years to show how I have changed and how life has changed a bit. They are not in order and I will try to add a brief explanation to each photo.

Before I get to the photos I have two stories to share: The first story took place in the wee hours of this morning. I received a phone call last night around 10:20 pm and it was a woman notifying me that some organs had become available for me, but that we needed to get to the hospital as quick as possible because it was kind of last minute notice. So I made the choice to accept these organs and we set off for the hospital. En route, I made phone calls to those I deeply love, so pretty much my family and cousin. Now if I had the time, I would have called many people, but between time and the possibility of not receiving the organs, we decided to keep the number of people who would be in the loop quite small. It was extremely emotional as I talked to people that have been there for me through everything, and that in all honestly I may not have the opportunity to speak to again. Now the chances of that are very slim, but I didn't want to have regrets of not saying something I should, just in case something went wrong. Through many tears and an aching heart I finished the phone calls right as we arrived to the hospital. I received a Priesthood blessing from two very dear friends and we were off to the races. They already had a room ready for me and started straight into pre-op preps. It was crazy and I felt like I was hiking in not only foreign lands, but on a whole other planet. This feeling was odd because all the tests and checks they performed I have already had done in the past. Sometimes just the circumstances in which they are done make things seem completely different. After all the tests and checks I was wheeled down to wait outside the OR. We were waiting for the members of my team who went to procure the organs to report back that the organs were a good match for me. Well, extremely long story in a semi shorter version, the organs were not what they wanted and I am to wait for another call on another day. It is hard to explain my feelings of how this all has and continues to impact me, because of this I am going to share another story to illustrate just a tiny fraction of only a small portion of the feelings and emotions I experienced.

Years ago my Father and I, along with some friends were out "Ghost-towning". This is basically where you go to a ghost town and metal detect, screen, and search for various treasures. I am partial to looking for old bottles and other artifacts, while some people prefer to search for coins of different varieties. So to set the stage a little more I will include the names of all present: Besides myself and Pops there was a friend of my fathers named Tim and his son Hunter, who I was very close to. I do not remember my exact age, but it was probably around 14. After a long day of ghost-towning/treasure hunting, we were back in the trailer getting ready to enjoy some dinner.

Now this particular ghost town was in the middle of freaking nowhere, I'm talking middle of the desert where you are some of the only humans for miles and miles. It is pitch black outside and we are sheltered inside our trailer/camper trying to decide what is to be had for dinner. We came to an impasse as the two young boys wanted Ravioli and the adults wanted something else. The decision was made that us youngins would get our desire and have ravioli while the adults had whatever. We heated the ravioli (the cheap stuff, like Chef Boyardee out of a can), and we are told we will have to eat the whole thing... Well as you can guess we did not end up finishing it. Now while we are eating the adults proceed to tell stories of coyotes eating children, demon foxes, and a whole myriad of unpleasant and slightly terrifying stories. Dinner finished and it is time to dispose of the leftovers. My dad and Tim look at the remaining ravioli in the pan and say "well.... looks like you two are going to have to take that outside and bury it." In what felt like a blinding whirlwind of commotion and movement I am given a shovel and Hunter is given the pan of ravioli. Hunter and I are single file waiting to walk out the trailer door as my dad starts explaining that because of the bugs he is going to open the door so we can rush outside and then he will proceed to close it quickly as to not let in any bugs. So here we go, I am in the front with the shovel, Hunter behind me with the ravioli and unbeknownst to us, Tim is behind both of us waiting to shove us out the door in case we chicken out. (this because of the stupidly frightening tales of all manner of animals AND the constant howls and yips of a pack of coyotes somewhere in the distance).  So my Dad says "on the count of three..." now my dad can see the fear in our eyes as it is beyond pitch black outside and we had just finished being spoon fed tales of terror to the glee of Tim and my Dad. Before I finish the story I just want to say that when it comes to these scenarios my Dad and his buddies are the biggest teases known to man and I don't trust any of them farther than I can throw them. So Dad counts to three and flings the door open and Tim starts shoving us out the door. In my young mind I am thinking "I am about to be shoved into an eternal darkness filled with all sorts of beasts just waiting to gnaw on my too skinny appendages". So in what I would like to call quick thinking, right as I am about to enter the freaking abyss of night, I panic and turn the shovel cross ways. So instead of being semi vertical it is now horizontal in my hands making a verifiable five foot cross bar. Naturally, I slam into my makeshift brace connecting me to the glorious "safety" of the trailer, Hunter slams into me, and Tim into Hunter. In a spectacular display of smashed bodies and near hysteric attempts to stay in the trailer, the pan of ravioli ricochets off of my back and ravioli is sent in all directions, indeed getting it all over everything and everyone in the trailer, in particular the ceiling and walls. 

To wrap up any remaining questions you might have, Hunter and I did in fact end up burying the now twice cleaned ravioli in the ground outside. I don't think I have ever dug faster in my life.  

I share this story because in my mind it explains a piece of what I was feeling today in the early hours of my exact year mark. I was being wheeled down a hallway into what felt like an absolutely and terrifyingly dark abyss and oh what I would have given to have my trusty shovel. Now I do want to clarify that I did feel beyond comforted and at peace, but for the sake of this particular blog post I am just focusing on a very small and particular set of emotions, not necessarily the majority of my feelings. Often times we feel like we are being shoved or wheeled through a doorway that leads out into the cold and unforgiving night, and oh how we scramble and do whatever we can to stay in the warm comfort of our trailers. In a lot of instances though, if we just breathe and trust in our Heavenly Father and Savior (who are generally the ones doing the pushing) letting them guide/push us out the door into the night, we will see the wonders that the night sky holds for each of us. I marvel at the stars and beauty of the night, and although it is filled with things we are afraid of and don't understand, if we trust in God we can see the beauty and grace in all things under heaven.

Thanks for reading through my thoughts and stories, hopefully they help someone as they have helped me. 

I wish to apologize as I am writing this on very little sleep, and I hope and pray it makes sense.

So here's to a future of weekly writing and another year of crazy experiences and exploring the unknowns of "the night". 

I have realized that I do not have many pictures of myself, so I apologize that these are not exact time frames of a year or anything like that. I simply chose pictures that reflected my feelings of being out here a year and all of the crazy blessings and miracles I have experienced in my life.

 This photo was taken the first time I came to Cleveland with my Dad in preparation for moving out here and being put on the list. It still surprises me how skinny I was.

 This was just a few weeks back in the lovely city of Pittsburgh.  We went to see a Pirates game and experience a little bit of the city. Again, it is crazy to see how much I have changed in a year; it is interesting because as I look at these pictures I don't only notice the physical changes that my body has gone through, but I also contemplate the spiritual, mental, and emotional changes I have lived through.

 I absolutely love this picture. My favorite little man and I enjoying some tummy time. He is so young and has grown so much. It has been hard for me at times, because I have only seen him once in the last year and I have had to watch him grow up through the lens of a camera. The light he carries with him makes me smile and hope for a better world not only for me, but also for him.

 Now these are two of the handsomest (and now sexiest) "little boys" out there. This is Alex and I. Lady killers both then and now (not really). Alex spent the last week here in Cleveland with me, and I will be writing all about it here shortly. So I would expect this picture to pop up again.

 This picture was taken just a day or two after my last long hospital stay at University of Utah Medical Center. Oliver was born while I was in the hospital and this is the first chance I had to see and hold my little nephew. Man how things have changed in just the handful of months that have gone by.

 A picture from one of the last adventures Dad and I would take before we would leave for Cleveland. It is crazy to think I have not seen my mountains in a year now, it just about breaks my heart. The mountains are as much of a home to me as is the house I grew up in. Oh how I can't wait for the day when I can be in them again.

I wanted to end with this picture and my thoughts regarding a few things. I have traded my mountains for lush green forests and a vast and beautiful lake. Although it is not the same and I miss my mountains dearly, the lake offers similar escapes as the mountains. Although life has a way of changing who we are and what is around us, there is always joy to be had in every moment of life. The sunset although different wherever you go always shows a beauty that I can scarce take in. I know it is hard to see the benefits of a lot of things in our lives, but I know they are there, I have seen this to be true in my life. I have met incredible people here in Ohio, and although it has been a brutally hard and trying year for me and many others, oh how wondrous are the waves that wash along the shoreline. It is okay to struggle, it is okay to wish things could be different, and it is okay to plead for an easier way. But remember that it isn't how hard you hit the ground after getting beat down by life, but how swiftly you stand up and charge back into the fray.

Thank you to everyone who has been with me through this last year and the many other times in my life, whether it was for only a day or a lifetime, I will never forget the love, compassion, mercy, happiness, and peace you have given to me and many others. Here is to one year down and many more to come. Love you all!