Hospitals, Help, and Goodbyes.

Written By: Ben

I never really know how to start these posts off if I am being honest, I mean should I address it like a letter or just simply jump straight in. I am new to this whole concept, but I have loved it so far and hope to continue to do it for some time. I hope to post about once every week, but it will probably vary a few days dew to occurrences here. I have found a lot of joy, peace, and hope in writing down some of my thoughts and feelings of what is going on and all of our adventures. I truly hope that what I write can be of benefit to others, no matter their situation or standing in life. I truly believe half the reason that we have such drastic or amazing experiences in this life is so other people can learn and grow from them as well.

Recap time! I have now been in Ohio for two weeks and some change, and boy has it been a crazy and fun adventure to this point. Out of the 18 total days I have been here, I have been in the hospital for half of them. We arrived in the afternoon on the 12th of July at the house that my mother mentioned in her last post; we quickly got semi settled and went to sleep. The next day I had several tests and doctor appointments to attend, but I was not feeling very good. We arrived at the appointments, and with some deliberating by the doctors I was told that I would be admitted for observation till some of my blood levels normalized, and so they could adjust my TPN (Total Parental Nutrition/IV Nutrition). I was not very thrilled about this to be honest, and as we waited in the ED to be admitted I was feeling less and less excited about this Cleveland "Adventure". After quite a long time of waiting and my health progressively getting worse I was finally admitted and taken to a room. When we arrived a fear of mine was realized... It was going to be a shared room. Now I am a pretty open guy, but I like my space and I like my alone time, and in this scenario both of those were not happening. I had the sinking feeling that this was going to be a whole different challenge than I was used to.

I had two different roomies during this first stay in the hospital (yes there is more than one), and both of which were more elderly gentlemen with varying complexities. I had the first roomie for only twenty four hours, and the second I would have for the remainder of my stay.  After the first night and my first roomie left, the doctors arrived to tell me the news. Lets just say that it was NOT at all what I wanted to hear. They were worried that my port line in my chest had become infected because of an elevated WBC (white blood count) and that my overall health was at risk because of an imbalance of electrolytes and other micro-nutrients. So I was told that I would be in the hospital for the entire weekend and would hopefully be released sometime early the next week. It was difficult for a few quick moments, but I figured that I was there for a reason and would do what I could to make the best out of it. Of course for those of you who have ever been in the hospital for longer than 24 hours know that in this place of "rest and recuperation" there is some recuperation, but it does not involve any kind of decent rest. Vitals need to be checked at regular intervals even throughout the night, blood sugars tested several times a day, blood labs drawn every morning, nurse checks every several hours, and that is just to name a few of the inhibitors to ones ability to rest or sleep in a hospital.

As days ticked by I kept hoping that when the next morning came they would be telling me that my blood levels were at least normal enough to go home and continue treatment there. Day after day clicked by and before I knew it, I had been in the hospital for a week! Now I have been in the hospital before for much longer periods of time, but this was the first, just simply being in observation for blood levels. Hopefully I can explain; when you are having imbalances with your micro-nutrients you feel kind of sick, but nothing that would cause more detriment than what I was already experiencing with all of my other health difficulties. So in my mind it felt like a healthy person being constrained to a hospital for very little to no reason. Now of course there was reason and I know that, but that was how it felt. After a total of eight days in the hospital I was finally allowed to come home. A quick few comments before I get to that point though...

While I was in the hospital my parents were able to find an apartment, get furniture, get things (mostly) unpacked, visit me daily, go to church, and do so many other things. My parents truly are freaking super heroes. Now my roomie, this older man in his mid sixties was in pretty bad shape. He would run fevers, couldn't evacuate his bowels, became confused, became angry, and was having many other difficulties. His sweet wife would sit with him everyday for probably eight hours a day. One day the man was quite confused and was getting very upset and angry with anyone in the room, even his wife who was just so sweet and trying to help in any way she could. The reason he was so angry you ask? Well the confusion made it so he wasn't in his right mind and thinking like he normally would; due to this he was screaming and yelling at people for stopping him from doing the things that he wanted. Now all of these things were not normal, like going to the bathroom in locations where you should not, putting things in strange places, being overly aggressive or even a tad rough with people, and speaking in the language and volume he wished. Of course my strange and odd brain was thinking: " With all his crazy shenanigans and such when people are around, what is he going to do when I am the only one here... Do I need like a small bat or something to be able to protect myself?" Of course this is ridiculous because he was old and decrepit because of his health, and lets be honest my young unhealthy self could take down this old guy any day!! About a day later they were able to start making some headway with the older man, and he stopped being severely confused and would only have minor bouts of it from time to time, like forgetting his name, birthday, or where he was. Anyways his sweet wife endured all of this with him, all the while still being loving and patient, even throughout his berating, screaming, and horrible treatment of her. I do want to emphasize again that the man was not in his right mind, and was normally not like this, he was a cranky old geezer, but nothing like that when he was not confused. I saw a glimpse though of what a love can be for people in their darkest moments, and yes I see this with my family often, but it is different when you are not involved and are watching as a third party. She showed true courage, love, and compassion.

This post is getting long, so I will finish my recap, add some of my thoughts and be done.

After I left the hospital we drove my dad straight to the airport so he could catch his flight back home. I brought this up in my last post, but my dad and I are as close as can be, and I had been dreading this since our arrival in Ohio. I wanted to make it short, because when you drag out goodbyes for too long they just become so much more difficult. We pulled up to the drop-off curb and I watch my parents say their goodbyes. My mom is balling of course and to be honest she had every right to; she was about to be alone, across the country with her sick son. I cannot describe the twinge of pain and sorrow I felt watching my parents say goodbye, even if it was only for a time. This emotion being more potent because even though people say it is not, I knew that truly it was because of me that they had to be apart. I marvel at the sacrifices that have been made on my behalf, and I learn everyday of more and more people giving up so much for me and my families sake. On this note I wish to bring up a weakness of mine, and what my thoughts have been on lately. It is that I can be very prideful at times in regards to asking and receiving help from others. Although I brought this up at this point in the post, I will not comment more fully on it till later. After my sweet parents shared a tender kiss, my dad almost painfully got out of the van and went to retrieve his luggage from the back. I got out of the car so I could move seats in an attempt to help my mom navigate, and I used this opportunity to say my goodbyes. I waited for dad to remove his bag and close the van, all the time knowing it would be too long till I would see him again. Now my dad has a lot of emotion, but doesn't express it often, I on the other hand take after my mom and am a total baby. We make eye contact and have one of those moments you hear about in movies, when you can know almost the persons whole heart by simply looking at them. The eyes truly are a gateway to the soul. As I go to give him a hug I see those few tears start to fall down my fathers face, and it nearly breaks my heart. I hug him as we exchange a few small words of advice, and before I realize it I am getting back into the car, telling my dad I love him, and watching him walk away into the airport doors. It was indeed one of the hardest goodbyes of my life.

After what felt like an extremely long ride to the apartment, my mom showed me around and I got settled in the best I could. We went shopping, saw a castle and got everything set up for the next little while. We would go in for a check-up appointment a few days later, and I would be put in the hospital again! Luckily this time it would only be for a short 24 hour period. Which although being short still took a heavy toll on me. That truly sums up my last two weeks, mixed with naps, TV, and a few other minor things.

Now back to the point I brought up earlier of asking and receiving help. I wanted to bring this up because of all the aid and assistance my family has gotten on both sides of the veil. So this will be a tad more on the emotional/spiritual side. To start off, one of the comments my dad told me as we were saying goodbye is that I am the priesthood holder now. If I am being honest I felt unworthy and overall extremely unprepared for that task. I had done it before in my life when it came to missions, or when my dad would be gone for long stretches at work or on business, but never had I felt so alone in that sense. I knew that I would have to step up my game, and be the man I truly needed to be, and not just for mine own sake, but for my mom and possibly many others. I truthfully am still so so far away from being any good at it, I am learning everyday, and one of the ways I learned, and one of the hardest things for most of us men to learn is how to ask for help. In this case I was asking my Heavenly Father for the help and strength I needed to be the man of the household and be the priesthood man and leader I needed to be for all those around me, including and especially myself. We ask Our all knowing Heavenly Father for things a lot, for help, strength, guidance, blessing of junk food for nourishment and strength, and many other reasons as well.  In essence I feel like I need to get this point across: a true aspect of strength is knowing ones limits, being willing to push them, and if necessary have the humility to not only ask for help, but seek it out diligently. As I asked for help from my Heavenly Father with this task and many others I have found that strength often comes when I come to the realization that I need help and cannot do it myself. Sometimes, not always but sometimes, even just that simple realization of imperfectness and a need for help will give us the strength necessary.

Words cannot express how grateful I am to all of you who have offered love and support to me and my family. It has done more for me than you will ever know. We are all trying to be better at accepting help from all those around us on both sides of the veil. We fail at times, but as long as there is improvement, than that is more than enough. I feel your love, prayers, and thoughts constantly and I will continue to be forever grateful for them as long as I live. Thank you for enduring through that post... It was a tad long because of the extra week I had to catch up on. As mentioned earlier I hope to write about once a week with updates, thoughts, feelings, and whatever else I can think of. Thank you again to everyone for everything you do, I wish I could thank you all in person and by name, but perhaps another day. Well till next time my friends!

Lovingly, Ben