Hospitals, Help, and Goodbyes.

Written By: Ben

I never really know how to start these posts off if I am being honest, I mean should I address it like a letter or just simply jump straight in. I am new to this whole concept, but I have loved it so far and hope to continue to do it for some time. I hope to post about once every week, but it will probably vary a few days dew to occurrences here. I have found a lot of joy, peace, and hope in writing down some of my thoughts and feelings of what is going on and all of our adventures. I truly hope that what I write can be of benefit to others, no matter their situation or standing in life. I truly believe half the reason that we have such drastic or amazing experiences in this life is so other people can learn and grow from them as well.

Recap time! I have now been in Ohio for two weeks and some change, and boy has it been a crazy and fun adventure to this point. Out of the 18 total days I have been here, I have been in the hospital for half of them. We arrived in the afternoon on the 12th of July at the house that my mother mentioned in her last post; we quickly got semi settled and went to sleep. The next day I had several tests and doctor appointments to attend, but I was not feeling very good. We arrived at the appointments, and with some deliberating by the doctors I was told that I would be admitted for observation till some of my blood levels normalized, and so they could adjust my TPN (Total Parental Nutrition/IV Nutrition). I was not very thrilled about this to be honest, and as we waited in the ED to be admitted I was feeling less and less excited about this Cleveland "Adventure". After quite a long time of waiting and my health progressively getting worse I was finally admitted and taken to a room. When we arrived a fear of mine was realized... It was going to be a shared room. Now I am a pretty open guy, but I like my space and I like my alone time, and in this scenario both of those were not happening. I had the sinking feeling that this was going to be a whole different challenge than I was used to.

I had two different roomies during this first stay in the hospital (yes there is more than one), and both of which were more elderly gentlemen with varying complexities. I had the first roomie for only twenty four hours, and the second I would have for the remainder of my stay.  After the first night and my first roomie left, the doctors arrived to tell me the news. Lets just say that it was NOT at all what I wanted to hear. They were worried that my port line in my chest had become infected because of an elevated WBC (white blood count) and that my overall health was at risk because of an imbalance of electrolytes and other micro-nutrients. So I was told that I would be in the hospital for the entire weekend and would hopefully be released sometime early the next week. It was difficult for a few quick moments, but I figured that I was there for a reason and would do what I could to make the best out of it. Of course for those of you who have ever been in the hospital for longer than 24 hours know that in this place of "rest and recuperation" there is some recuperation, but it does not involve any kind of decent rest. Vitals need to be checked at regular intervals even throughout the night, blood sugars tested several times a day, blood labs drawn every morning, nurse checks every several hours, and that is just to name a few of the inhibitors to ones ability to rest or sleep in a hospital.

As days ticked by I kept hoping that when the next morning came they would be telling me that my blood levels were at least normal enough to go home and continue treatment there. Day after day clicked by and before I knew it, I had been in the hospital for a week! Now I have been in the hospital before for much longer periods of time, but this was the first, just simply being in observation for blood levels. Hopefully I can explain; when you are having imbalances with your micro-nutrients you feel kind of sick, but nothing that would cause more detriment than what I was already experiencing with all of my other health difficulties. So in my mind it felt like a healthy person being constrained to a hospital for very little to no reason. Now of course there was reason and I know that, but that was how it felt. After a total of eight days in the hospital I was finally allowed to come home. A quick few comments before I get to that point though...

While I was in the hospital my parents were able to find an apartment, get furniture, get things (mostly) unpacked, visit me daily, go to church, and do so many other things. My parents truly are freaking super heroes. Now my roomie, this older man in his mid sixties was in pretty bad shape. He would run fevers, couldn't evacuate his bowels, became confused, became angry, and was having many other difficulties. His sweet wife would sit with him everyday for probably eight hours a day. One day the man was quite confused and was getting very upset and angry with anyone in the room, even his wife who was just so sweet and trying to help in any way she could. The reason he was so angry you ask? Well the confusion made it so he wasn't in his right mind and thinking like he normally would; due to this he was screaming and yelling at people for stopping him from doing the things that he wanted. Now all of these things were not normal, like going to the bathroom in locations where you should not, putting things in strange places, being overly aggressive or even a tad rough with people, and speaking in the language and volume he wished. Of course my strange and odd brain was thinking: " With all his crazy shenanigans and such when people are around, what is he going to do when I am the only one here... Do I need like a small bat or something to be able to protect myself?" Of course this is ridiculous because he was old and decrepit because of his health, and lets be honest my young unhealthy self could take down this old guy any day!! About a day later they were able to start making some headway with the older man, and he stopped being severely confused and would only have minor bouts of it from time to time, like forgetting his name, birthday, or where he was. Anyways his sweet wife endured all of this with him, all the while still being loving and patient, even throughout his berating, screaming, and horrible treatment of her. I do want to emphasize again that the man was not in his right mind, and was normally not like this, he was a cranky old geezer, but nothing like that when he was not confused. I saw a glimpse though of what a love can be for people in their darkest moments, and yes I see this with my family often, but it is different when you are not involved and are watching as a third party. She showed true courage, love, and compassion.

This post is getting long, so I will finish my recap, add some of my thoughts and be done.

After I left the hospital we drove my dad straight to the airport so he could catch his flight back home. I brought this up in my last post, but my dad and I are as close as can be, and I had been dreading this since our arrival in Ohio. I wanted to make it short, because when you drag out goodbyes for too long they just become so much more difficult. We pulled up to the drop-off curb and I watch my parents say their goodbyes. My mom is balling of course and to be honest she had every right to; she was about to be alone, across the country with her sick son. I cannot describe the twinge of pain and sorrow I felt watching my parents say goodbye, even if it was only for a time. This emotion being more potent because even though people say it is not, I knew that truly it was because of me that they had to be apart. I marvel at the sacrifices that have been made on my behalf, and I learn everyday of more and more people giving up so much for me and my families sake. On this note I wish to bring up a weakness of mine, and what my thoughts have been on lately. It is that I can be very prideful at times in regards to asking and receiving help from others. Although I brought this up at this point in the post, I will not comment more fully on it till later. After my sweet parents shared a tender kiss, my dad almost painfully got out of the van and went to retrieve his luggage from the back. I got out of the car so I could move seats in an attempt to help my mom navigate, and I used this opportunity to say my goodbyes. I waited for dad to remove his bag and close the van, all the time knowing it would be too long till I would see him again. Now my dad has a lot of emotion, but doesn't express it often, I on the other hand take after my mom and am a total baby. We make eye contact and have one of those moments you hear about in movies, when you can know almost the persons whole heart by simply looking at them. The eyes truly are a gateway to the soul. As I go to give him a hug I see those few tears start to fall down my fathers face, and it nearly breaks my heart. I hug him as we exchange a few small words of advice, and before I realize it I am getting back into the car, telling my dad I love him, and watching him walk away into the airport doors. It was indeed one of the hardest goodbyes of my life.

After what felt like an extremely long ride to the apartment, my mom showed me around and I got settled in the best I could. We went shopping, saw a castle and got everything set up for the next little while. We would go in for a check-up appointment a few days later, and I would be put in the hospital again! Luckily this time it would only be for a short 24 hour period. Which although being short still took a heavy toll on me. That truly sums up my last two weeks, mixed with naps, TV, and a few other minor things.

Now back to the point I brought up earlier of asking and receiving help. I wanted to bring this up because of all the aid and assistance my family has gotten on both sides of the veil. So this will be a tad more on the emotional/spiritual side. To start off, one of the comments my dad told me as we were saying goodbye is that I am the priesthood holder now. If I am being honest I felt unworthy and overall extremely unprepared for that task. I had done it before in my life when it came to missions, or when my dad would be gone for long stretches at work or on business, but never had I felt so alone in that sense. I knew that I would have to step up my game, and be the man I truly needed to be, and not just for mine own sake, but for my mom and possibly many others. I truthfully am still so so far away from being any good at it, I am learning everyday, and one of the ways I learned, and one of the hardest things for most of us men to learn is how to ask for help. In this case I was asking my Heavenly Father for the help and strength I needed to be the man of the household and be the priesthood man and leader I needed to be for all those around me, including and especially myself. We ask Our all knowing Heavenly Father for things a lot, for help, strength, guidance, blessing of junk food for nourishment and strength, and many other reasons as well.  In essence I feel like I need to get this point across: a true aspect of strength is knowing ones limits, being willing to push them, and if necessary have the humility to not only ask for help, but seek it out diligently. As I asked for help from my Heavenly Father with this task and many others I have found that strength often comes when I come to the realization that I need help and cannot do it myself. Sometimes, not always but sometimes, even just that simple realization of imperfectness and a need for help will give us the strength necessary.

Words cannot express how grateful I am to all of you who have offered love and support to me and my family. It has done more for me than you will ever know. We are all trying to be better at accepting help from all those around us on both sides of the veil. We fail at times, but as long as there is improvement, than that is more than enough. I feel your love, prayers, and thoughts constantly and I will continue to be forever grateful for them as long as I live. Thank you for enduring through that post... It was a tad long because of the extra week I had to catch up on. As mentioned earlier I hope to write about once a week with updates, thoughts, feelings, and whatever else I can think of. Thank you again to everyone for everything you do, I wish I could thank you all in person and by name, but perhaps another day. Well till next time my friends!

Lovingly, Ben

Getting Settled in Ohio

Written by Nikki

Getting settled in Ohio didn't go as expected.  We had a few road bumps. We arrived in Cleveland on Thursday, July 12 and went straight to the house we would be staying in.  That night we slept on air mattresses that we had brought from home.  The next day we were off to the Cleveland Clinic to meet with our transplant coordinator. The first order of business was to draw his blood and then they would officially list Benjamin on the organ donor list.  

This would be where we hit our first road block.  Benjamin's blood came back with an elevated white count.   Not only did this prevent them from listing him it also caused them to admit him into the hospital.  The doctors were afraid he had a line infection at his port o cath.  He was also severely dehydrated, I think from traveling.  So he was admitted for IV antibiotics and electrolytes to level out his blood.  

Let's just say the patients rooms we are used to at the University of Utah are much more roomy. :-)  Hopefully the rooms in the actual transplant unit have a bit more room.  We were told he would likely remain in the hospital until Wednesday.  Not what we wanted to hear, we were hoping to spend some time seeing a few of the historical sights in Kirtland before Lincoln returned home.  So instead we began the schedule of driving into the city to the Hospital every day.  

This brings us to road block number 2.  Somewhere to live.  The house we were staying in turned out to be way bigger than I anticipated and in a more urban area than I am used to.  Lets just say, I had a case of culture shock. I have lived in the same small suburb of Utah my entire life and this was so far out of my comfort zone. My cousin who was ever so kind to offer it to us as a place to stay while we got settled is also in the process of listing it to sale.  These things combined made me feel very overwhelmed. So rather than stay there until it sold, Lincoln and I decided to try to get me settled in a more suburban area before he went home.  So the hunt for the right town and place was on and we were in a time crunch.  Luckily or unluckily, however you want to look at it, I had a mini break down in front of the transplant coordinator and the case worker. But this allowed them the opportunity to discuss what we were looking for in an area, what I am used to, and were able to guide us to a few communities that might feel more like home to me.  After checking out a few places we decided on Whilloughby, Ohio located in Lake County.  It's a suburb located about 23 miles East of Cleveland.  After much apartment looking we settled on a high rise apartment located right off the freeway.  My commute to and from the hospital will be very easy. Our 2 bedroom 1 and 1/2 bath apartment is located on the second floor has a huge balcony and is very roomy and is very safe.  The blessing in this is that we were able to spend the days searching and driving around and then the afternoons with Benjamin in the hospital, but he didn't have to chase all over with us. 

Below is the house we stayed in for the first week.  If your looking to relocate to Cleveland Heights, Ohio and want a house near the city with so much cool old charm and tons of space you will love it!

The next task... Furniture.  We had ordered two new beds while we were still in Utah so they were delivered to the house in Cleveland Heights the second day we were there.  Blessing, no more air mattresses.  The downside, Lincoln and I now had to  move two beds from the house to the apartment and find a kitchen table and chairs and a couch only having my van for transportation.  It's amazing what you can fit into a minivan. :)  We had to rent a truck from Home Depot to move the queen bed, but everything else we bought we were able to fit into the van, once we figured out how to remove the two captain seats.

In our search for furniture we frequented Craigs List, a few second hand stores and even a garage sale. You will notice the folding wagon in the background.  A necessity for getting groceries into a high rise apartment building.  All these things you take for granted when living in your own home.  I had NEVER lived in an apartment before.  Lincoln and Ben had both had the opportunity to live in an apartments during their LDS missions.

Couch, Craigs List.

Table for the T.V., Second hand furniture store.

The T.V. was Benjamins,we brought from home. 

Table and Chairs, Craigs List.  From a very nice lady who happens to have a basement apartment she has never rented.  She liked us so much she offered it as a place Benjamin could rent when our lease here is up in 10 months.  We definitely kept her contact information.  It's absolutely amazing how kind people are and how willing to help. She even offered us any items from her own kitchen that we might still need. 

Thursday July 19th Benjamin was cleared of infection and his blood levels were back in range and he was officially listed on the Organ donation list.  He was finally released from the Hospital on Saturday, July 21st.  Just in time to ride with me to take Lincoln to the airport so he could fly home to Utah.  It was a sad goodbye.

Since then Benjamin and I have just been getting our bearings about us and settling into our new home.  I can safely drive myself to Costco, two different Walmarts, Target, a gas station, the hospital airport and church all without using maps.  I am sure as I explore and drive around we will find our way to all the places we need to go. 

We attend church in the Kirtland Ohio ward.  We live about l0 minutes from the church building.  We attend church in the building located right next to the Kirtland Ohio Church Historical sights.  It is a wonderful feeling to be here and attending church in the shadow of the first temple.  We can't wait to visit the sights and feel the special spirit that is Kirtland. Our first two Sundays we blended right in with the other hundred or so tourists attending church. When you arrive to church and there is a tour bus and many RV's in the parking lot you know it's going to be exciting. The tourists outnumbered the members 3-1.  The members of the ward told us this is how the meetings are for the month of July and early August.    It actually makes for very interesting and fun Sunday School and Relief Society lessons.  So many different people from so many different walks of life.   Benjamin will be attending the Singles branch located down by the hospital after I get my feet settled. 

Today Ben and I had our first outing aside from the hospital and the store.  Benjamin and I visited a Metro Park with a Castle on it.  Squires Castle is located less than 10 minutes from where we live.  It is a beautiful park and Castle.  The castle was built in 1890 by an Oil Baron and was originally intended to be the gate house.  It is on beautiful acreage covered in woods, hiking/walking trails and green grass.  Many people take advantage of these metro parks located all throughout the area.  The best way I can describe them is as mini state parks.  

 

Tomorrow it's back to the Cleveland Clinic for some follow up blood work.  For now we find ways to stay engaged while we wait for the right donor.  We know Heavenly Father has a plan, and we wait in faith for his timing.

Taking Chances...

Written by Ben

Hello!

I wish to start this post off by apologizing; I have been slacking at writing, and it is because I really wanted my first post to be this amazing thing, but it just never really felt like that. Although I will indeed try to make this post short, it will probably end up being lengthy and full of ramblings.

It is hard to believe that so much has happened since the idea of this blog was stormed up by my family and I. It has probably been almost a year now since then. So again I apologize if this post is a tad all over the place. I can scarcely believe what has happened in that relatively short time though; things such as: vacations, break-ups, really sick days, a new nephew (who is just over a year old now), and many other adventures and happenings for my family, myself, and those whom I love.

Truthfully though, this is one of the core topics I want to talk about in this post. Namely the many amazing and wonderful people I have had the spectacular opportunities to meet and get to know in this life. I have truly been blessed to become acquainted and even simply meet or associate with some truly incredible people. If I could I would name all of them, but it would simply take too much time, and they would probably get mad at me, so I will focus on a select few. First off, my family; now yes I understand that many people would say the same thing about their family, and I have no doubt that they are great in their own ways as well, but I wish to speak about mine. My whole family has given up so much to help me in this life, I cannot express how much this means to me. Each individual member of my family is a stalwart example of just truly outstanding people. Of course we all have ours flaws and my family is perhaps especially full of them, but that is what makes it fun, and truly all the better. I would go through each member of my family and praise them, but it would take far too long and you would probably get bored. So in this post at least I want to focus on who I would say is probably my best friend in the entire world, My Dad.

 He and I are two peas in a pod, and we have a knack for adventures that are full of craziness and fun. We have what I would call a very particular talent, that of being in the right place at the right time. Now not only do we position ourselves to be in these places and moments, but we are willing to do what it takes to seize those and every moment. This leads me to the other main topic I wish to discuss in this blog post, but I will get to it a little later. My Father has been an example to me throughout both his life and mine. He tells me stories of his hard times, and somehow miraculously it helps me through mine. I hope that every young boy can have a relationship similar to that of my dad and I. Now there are times when we don't get along or get mad at each other or what have you, but that is just life. My father has shown me what it truly means to be a man of word and deed, he shows me everyday how to be better, and then helps me accomplish it. Our adventures are the stuff of legend and our heart to heart discussions could make grown men cry. I cannot express the love I have for my father, and even though I am lacking for the skill to express it, I hope and pray that he knows how much he means to me. I could go on for decades about my pops, but I will continue on.

We are in this life to meet people and experience the joys and sorrow of this mortal life. Every person that I have had the blessing of getting to know has shown me some of the great joys of this life, many of them in ways they themselves do not even realize. Every person we meet has the opportunity to bless our lives, and we have that same opportunity to bless theirs; at times I feel it is more like our obligation to those around us. I am not very good at this, but it is something I am trying to get better at. I want to be a bigger blessing in the lives of people I know, and even in the lives of those I don't, but I have a long way to go, and a lot of improving to do. Like the old saying dictates though, you have to begin that thousand mile journey with the first step.

I wish to tie this in to the point I said I would bring up earlier, and that is of seizing the moments placed before us. I am going to share a story, and I haven't cleared it with the other person in the story, so hopefully she is okay with it. Close to a year ago now I was an aid for the Anatomy lab at Salt Lake Community College (SLCC). I had just gotten out of the hospital from my fifth surgery and it was part way through the summer semester, so I had to just jump back into aiding kind of mid stride. It was an afternoon class that was once a week during the middle of the week, I was shy and kind of scared because I knew none of the students, and to top it off I didn't know the teacher either. Well during the class I got to get to know the students more and ended up loving the class, they were fun and made the three hours go by quickly. At this time I was going through kind of a hard time in my life, not just because of my health, but because of a break-up I was in the process of going through, so overall I was kind of crabby to say the least. Despite this I got to know this really cool young lady, she was friendly, beautiful, funny, and a decent student. Sadly because of the place I was at in my life, I didn't take the opportunity to talk to her more, and the semester ended. She faded out of my life, just as quickly as she had appeared. Almost two months later I was at a devotional for the Young Single Adult (YSA) members of the church (LDS/Mormon church), and I had arrived just moments before the devotional was about to start. Now if I am being honest, I kind of had to drag myself there; I didn't really want to go, even though I knew it was what I needed to do. I had so many other things I needed to get done, but I figured "what the heck" and went. Upon arriving I quickly realized I was by myself... Now you would think it being a YSA activity that this would be normal, well let me tell you, it is NOT. Despite it saying "single" no one is actually single, they just aren't married yet, but oh man are they taken, and if you aren't there with a significant other, you are there with a bunch of friends and are not looking to "mingle". So I (feeling extremely alone) consigned myself to the fact that I would be sitting by myself, and it would be some good "alone time" (yeah right). Well as I was chatting with my Bishop I heard this voice say "Ben...?" I turn and look, and what do ya know it was the girl from the anatomy lab with a friend of hers. I am thinking "she remembers me? Sweet!! and than a rush of ah crap, I look like a freaking scrub!". All of the excitement was dashed when in front of my Bishop she exclaims with some excitement, "I didn't know you were LDS!?" at which point my bishop shoots me a sideways glance, and all I can think is "great, that is gonna come up on Sunday...". After some brief introductions I decide to take a chance and ask if I can sit with them, and after what felt like an eternity of waiting (which I am pretty sure females do on purpose) she said "of course.". We chatted throughout the devotional and as it was getting ready to end I had a decision to make. Should I ask this girl out so I can get to know her more, or should I just say it was a pleasure to see her again and run away to my comfort zone. Well I figured it was "balls to the wall" time (pardon my vernacular) so as it ended I got her attention and said something a whole lot less graceful than "hey I really enjoyed sitting with you and chatting, and I was curious if you would like to go on a date with me?". Again after an eternity and a half she said YES!! I of course felt like the king of the world, and happily got her number and had a little jam out session of celebration once I got to my car.

Now this is just the beginning of our story together, but it would take far too long to tell about all the amazing adventures and stuff that have happened since. But I owe it to that moment, that chance I took of seizing the moment, that I now have one of my best friends. It now feels as though we have known each other for much longer than a year, in fact I feel like I have known her all my life and more. We are as close as can be, and she has changed my life for the better in so many different ways, and I feel she doesn't even know a fraction of it. Now I am sure you have many questions on what happened and what is happening, but that is for another day. She is one of the closest and most dear people to me in my life, and I don't even want to think about where I would be without the experiences and lessons I have learned through simply knowing her. Hopefully she isn't ticked I shared this story, I cut out a lot of details (like how she made fun of me) and many others, because I only have the highest of regards for her and it would quite frankly take way too long.

 Now sometimes taking those chances doesn't turn out the way we had planned, I know mine didn't, but it turned out and is turning out the way it is/was supposed to. I have found that whenever it comes to taking chances, going "balls to the wall", making the leap, or daring to do something, even when it goes south, we never regret taking the chance. We never regret stepping out of our zone and taking a chance, no matter how it turns out. However we almost always regret the chances we didn't take, the dreams we stopped pursuing, or the faith and hope we let dwindle into nothing. So I encourage you to take chances, be bold and daring with your life, truly live this glorious thing called life. That way when you come to those crossroads (as I have recently and will continue to do) looking back at everything you have done, you can seize that moment and be happy knowing you dared to try, and have truly lived an amazing life.

Well I have rambled, talked in circles, and overall probably wrote too much, but I hope this helps someone, I know even just writing my thoughts and feelings helps me, so if that is all it does than that is enough for me. I am just a young kid with very little experience, and still so much to learn. I am scared of the future and extremely excited for all it has to offer as well; I hope to continue to be open with my thoughts and feelings on this blog. I hope I have not or do not offend anyone, and if for some reason I do, know that it was not my intention and I simply wish the best for all who suffer through reading my thoughts and feelings. Well I will probably write again here soon about my first week in Cleveland, because man has it been an adventure, but I had to get this post done and start this journey off with the first step.

-Ben