It has truly been forever since I last wrote in this blog… And I regret that, but no better time than the present to remedy faults and regrets. Plus, I have let my mom make the one year since transplant social media post, and I felt left out. So here are just a small selection of my thoughts in regards to my one year mark, or as we call it “My First New Birthday”. (don't let the title fool you, I still celebrate the day of my actual birth as well).
I’ll just jump straight in, as many would expect this is a happy and blessed occasion for my family. For me, although this is so very true, it comes with a lot of mixed emotions. Although this last year only accounts for roughly 3.5 percent of my total life here on this earth, it has made all the difference, and truthfully so has every year. Although that is besides the point. The last year has been filled with some of the sweetest moments, and some of the most devastating I have ever come to experience. I have watched friends get sick, grow older, pass on, and accomplish major life goals. I have seen my family grow, and fight for some of the things that matter most. I have talked with tear filled eyes to people who have lost so much, and I have myself cried in the night for relief. With these I have also laughed harder than I ever thought possible, smiled at the most seemingly insignificant things, seen the beauty of life in all its majesty, learned to love more purely, and perhaps stand still and enjoy the journey no matter where on the path I found myself.
An emotion some people may not realize comes with turning one year post transplant is sorrow, or perhaps at times even guilt. Now I know many of you may not get it, and I do not entirely expect you to, but that doesn’t make those feelings and thoughts any less real to me. Yes, are some of them probably misplaced, I’m sure, but regardless they exist and are a part of life. As I have been deep in thought the last few days it is hard at times to come to terms with some things… One of which is that my families prayers were answered when perhaps the fervent prayers of another family were not. It is weird to think I have accumulated another debt that I cannot pay back, at least not in this life. This one to a young man whom I had never before met, indeed a/my perfect stranger. When we meet with social workers and psychologists as transplant patients, they tell us we can experience a form of "survivors guilt" for lack of a better term. Yes it's true, our donors would have passed whether we needed transplant or not, but for some reason, some of us still feel linked to the tragic events. I guess because of the selfless act that my donor and his family made in one of their hardest moments, not knowing who it would bless, but doing it anyways. Their act of service will always be a reminder to me that life is fragile, and even when we feel we might break, we can still be the world altering difference in the lives of many people. Every major life event that I am blessed enough to have will be due to them, and especially to my donor. Hopefully one day, I can share stories with my own children of a boy and his family who made a hard choice that would forever shape the lives and legacies of many. I owe him everything, and I hope when I get to see him one day, he will be proud of the life I made with his gift.
Perhaps a few more of the things I have learned in this last year, and a lot of them were things I already knew, but had to relearn and improve upon.
- I learned to love more purely and deeply
- I learned to live fiercely, in whatever small or seemingly insignificant ways I could.
- I have learned what it feels like to be beaten, indeed beaten so badly you fear you will never be the same
- I learned how to cherish the small victories, and at times even the defeats
- I have learned what it feels like to lose, despite of all your earnest efforts
- I learned that life isn't always fair, but that doesn't have to take away from its beauty
- I have learned to laugh as often as possible, laughter can truly be the best medicine
- I have learned that life, even with its heartbreaks is truly a beautiful thing
- I learned that Gods timing is perfect, but can still be a hard pill to swallow
- I have learned to be still and enjoy the little things
- I learned that trials can be blessings if we let them, and perhaps even some of our greatest blessings
- I learned that bananas and apple pie can be quite addicting (not together of course)
- I have learned that physical affection is amazing, but not the source or anchor of love
- I learned what it is to cling to nothing but a dream, or even just the hope of a dream
- I learned that steroids make me fat (much to my irritation)
- I learned that hard work is always worth while, even if it doesn't feel like it pays off
- I learned that being broken doesn't mean you cannot be loved
- I have learned that weaknesses can be overcome, and sometimes that to do so is a life long endeavor
- I learned what family truly means
- I learned that strangers are often the kindest people you will ever encounter
- I learned to love the rain, and to just stand in it knowing that everything will be okay
- I have learned how to make friends, and have made friends that will last through the eternities
- I learned to pick myself up even if no one else would help
- I learned that even though we are so small and insignificant, we can truly alter the course of a life
- I have learned to smile, even though it seemed I had nothing to smile about
Truthfully I have learned so many things, that it would take far too long to write them all out, and even when I thought I had finished, there would still be more to write.
I guess to wrap up I just want to say how grateful I am for this last year, and for every precious year I have been blessed to have. I hope to have many more, continually growing and learning along the way. If you are struggling or having a rough moment, stop, take a break, even for just five seconds, this life is to be enjoyed. I would do well to take this advice myself. Thank you to everyone who has seen me through this last year, no matter how small you thought your role was, it made a difference in my life. One day I will get to hug all of you and probably through tears thank you for everything you have done, not only for me, but for all of those around you. Here is to another year filled with endless adventures and experiences. Life is hard, but oh so joyful, lets try not to forget that, and if we do, to quickly right ourselves and keep pushing forward. I love you all, even if it is just the tiniest fraction. Thanks for reading this, and I wish you the best that life has to offer you.
